


Get Me Out Of My Mind

by thesoundofnat



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort/Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 22:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5472851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesoundofnat/pseuds/thesoundofnat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony shook his head mock seriously. “You need help, cap.”</p>
<p>Steve tried to not let the words on the tip of his tongue escape, but he wasn’t quick enough. “So do you.”</p>
<p>Tony paused - more like froze - and said, “Me?”</p>
<p>Steve inhaled slowly; the explanation ready in his mind. Ready to slink out and say that he was just joking. But he couldn’t say it.</p>
<p>(Or, Steve stops dwelling on his own problems and notices that Tony is falling apart instead.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Get Me Out Of My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on my tumblr thesoundofnat.tumblr.com

Steve sometimes got these flashbacks while doing awfully mundane things. Folding laundry made him think of that time he and Bucky tried to help Steve’s mom do house work for the first time as a birthday treat. It was safe to say that it hadn’t ended well.

Cooking made him remember how all of his life was spent not being sure if they would get to eat that day or not. Cleaning gave him flashes of how dirty he’d felt during the war. How he couldn’t get clean no matter what.

At first these random reminders had bothered him. Looking back on the life he’d lost was painful, but with time he learned to start appreciating the memories. A few of them had been good ones, after all. He had no way of changing his situation, and that acceptance brought with it a wave of tranquility. He was at peace, for the very first time since Bucky fell.

Getting out of his own head made his temporary blindness cease, and he was finally able to observe his surroundings with a new sort of gratefulness. Being able to see clearly made him notice things he had previously missed, like how fucking close Tony was to losing it.

Tony was a lot of things. Millionaire, arrogant, Iron Man, but he wasn’t good at hiding his feelings. Not really. Not to the people who could see past his walls. It had surprised Steve how easy it was to read Tony, but he reckoned that had something to do with the lack of previous volunteers. No one had bothered to try before, with a few exceptions, of course. Therefore, when Steve finally looked at him without wallowing in his own self pity, he saw destruction in the other man’s soul. Something was eating at him and it was messing him up badly.

Tony didn’t eat, for starters. Only liquid dinners. Lethal dinners. And on certain nights when it had made him sick he barely had anything in his stomach to throw up but bile. Steve knew how much Tony liked food. Had seen him munch on something almost each time they were in the same room together all those months ago. Him not eating was a warning sign.

He didn’t seem to be getting a lot of sleep either. He was always with a coffee cup in his hand, all but bouncing from the caffeine. He looked worn out; exhausted. He never relaxed if he could help it, but was constantly on the move. Constantly doing something in order to be useful. He was distracting himself from something.

Steve had seen him, though, when the genius had thought no one was looking. The way his face fell, as if he’d been upholding a facade all this time. His body had slumped in defeat; his eyes widened in terror. Tony was falling apart and thought that no one was observant enough to notice.

Steve needed to act before it was too late. He wasn’t up for losing any more friends. Not anytime soon, at least.

He started by asking how Tony was doing; feeling quite certain that people rarely did that.

“You okay?”

Tony looked up at him with a blank face, blinked, and then a million emotions swept over his features. Surprise, confusion, fear, maybe even a hint of anger, before settling on nonchalance; his walls coming back up. “I’m fine, Cap. Why do you ask?”

Steve shrugged, afraid he might scare him off. “That’s something you tend to ask people. Especially friends. To see how they are and all that.”

“Ah.” One, two, three seconds of silence, then, “Are you okay?”

Steve nodded. “Fine, thanks for asking.”

“You know,” Tony stood up straighter where he had been leaning against the kitchen island; a half-filled coffee cup in front of him. “I think the general question actually is ‘how are you’. ‘You okay’ made it sound like I have a reason to say no.”

Steve tilted his head at him. “Maybe I just wanted to you to have the opportunity to say no.”

“You think I would’ve said no?”

“No idea. That’s why I asked.”

Tony shook his head and reached for his cup. “Is this some sort of 40s thing you’re doing? Did people have these sorts of conversations back then?”

Steve felt his mouth twitch. “Not that I was aware of.”

Tony stared at him for a little while before shaking his head. “You’re a strange one, Steve Rogers, but I can’t say I don’t like it.”

Steve’s heart was about to break through his ribs with its beating. “I’m glad I could make that good of an impression on you.”

Tony’s lips slowly turned upwards; a small grin appearing. “Did I make a good impression on you?”

“Not at first, no,” Steve admitted. “But you’ve grown on me.”

Tony snorted. “I can sense a great friendship forming.”

“I sure as hell hope so.”

Tony wasn’t wrong. As Steve tried to casually make sure that Tony was doing fine - which he wasn’t - they were slowly becoming closer. It was nice, actually. Steve hadn’t really let anyone in after waking up, except maybe Nat. It was nice to hang out with someone again; to connect. And it certainly didn’t hurt that their newfound bond made it easier to try to help Tony.

The signs got bolder as time went by, but that might’ve just been because Steve was able to keep an eye on his friend a lot easier now. He noticed him vanishing at times; returning much later as if nothing had happened. As if Steve hadn’t been worried sick the first time it had happened. How was he supposed to bring this up to Tony without making him shut him out before he was able to help?

How was he supposed to help him without being pushed away?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know.

What he did know was that he didn’t want to lose Tony’s friendship in the process. That would be too much for him. Tony meant too much to him.

“You seem lost in thought.”

Steve glanced up, meeting Tony’s gaze. “I’m pretty sure I was. What time is it?”

“Noon.”

Steve shook his head. “I must’ve been lost in thought for a long time then. Last time I checked it was morning.”

Tony shook his head mock seriously. “You need help, cap.”

Steve tried to not let the words on the tip of his tongue escape, but he wasn’t quick enough. “So do you.”

Tony paused - more like froze - and said, “Me?”

Steve inhaled slowly; the explanation ready in his mind. Ready to slink out and say that he was just joking. But he couldn’t say it.

“Yes. You.”

The atmosphere shifted; turned tense, almost cold. It was as if Tony knew what Steve was indicating, and now it was all out in the open and Steve knew there was no going back.

“I’m perfectly fine,” Tony said, his voice monotonous. Almost like it was dead.

“You’re falling apart,” Steve whispered.

Tony didn’t reply, but his body language said it all. He wanted nothing more than to walk away from Steve and this conversation, and even though Steve knew it was ridiculous it still hurt that Tony didn’t fully trust him.

“Please, Tony,” he said, cringing at how pathetic he sounded. “Please, let me help you.”

“There’s nothing to help,” Tony replied, sounding stressed now. “I said I’m fine.”

“But you’re not.”

Tony rubbed at his temples. “Steve-”

“No, come on. Don’t lie to me.”

“Why are you pulling my-”

“Tony, stop. Just stop.”

Tony fell silent, but his eyes never once met Steve’s and his stance was way too tense to pass as relaxed.

Steve bit his lip. “Let’s just...let’s just talk.”

“About?”

“You?”

“I thought you were sick of talking about me.”

“I could never get sick of that.”

Tony exhaled loudly; visibly biting his lower lip. “Look, whatever it is that made you think I’m not fine-”

“You mean the fact that the only nutrition you get is from coffee and booze? Or the fact that you probably haven’t gotten any proper sleep in weeks? Or the constant disappearances and the way you slump when you walk? Are these facts not proof enough?”

Tony seemed angry now. “Fuck, Steve, it’s not my fault you decided to play Nancy Drew.”

“I didn’t play anything. I just looked at you. Noticed you. I paid attention.”

Tony rubbed a hand over his eyes. “What do you want from me, Steve?”

“I want to help you.”

“Why?”

“Because you mean a lot to me.”

All it took was a frown, a blink, and a deep breath before Steve knew all about Tony’s anxiety attacks. How they started occurring after the New York incident. How they hit when he was least expecting it. How the nightmares were preventing him from getting any sleep, and how he eventually stopped trying to beat them. How he was terrified of his own mind, and how even his body was starting to betray him. In a matter of minutes Steve knew everything, and he suddenly understood his friend so much better than before.

There wasn’t much he could do to help Tony. They were both aware of that. But he could be a listening ear when things got rough, a comforting embrace when things got tough. He could be there and make Tony feel less alone, whenever Pepper, Rhodey or Happy weren’t around. He could help him in small steps, and that was honestly enough.

And the night Tony sought him out after a particularly bad nightmare they both realized that Tony was a lot better off sleeping next to someone. Next to Steve. And when they kissed for the first time they realized that Steve needed this, too. Needed the affection and proximity.

Good thing they weren’t planning on stopping anytime soon then.

Getting out of his head was the best thing Steve had done.


End file.
